Is it Really Possible to Share Pain
There are times when we all feel pained, by people primarily, and at a lot of other times by situations created by destiny. In times like this the very common and human reaction is to reach out to others and use their support to tide over this period. A lot of times I have done that and am very sure will also do so in the future.
The point that I am trying to make here is if it is really possible for anyone else however close that person might be to you to comprehend what you are going through. If they are not able to then is there any reason to share it with them?
It’s my personal take on the situation that it is not possible to do so. There isn’t another person who will be able to see everything in its entirety. The primary reason for this is that no one knows our lives completely; none know what incident in our lives have affected us in what way to make us the way we are. Since it is not possible for anyone to have complete knowledge it is not possible to have complete understanding.
A mother knows a child’s grief because she knows more about the child than the child knows about himself and so can comprehend. As we grow older our parents stop knowing everything simply because either we don’t tell them everything or because there is a natural gap that comes about as we grow, have new experiences and primarily think for ourselves. Then come the friends in school, college, work etc. who know what they see and what we tell them which obviously, is never, everything.
This is why grief is an intrinsically internal and lonely thing. It cannot and should not be shared. Efforts a lot of times meet with lack of understanding from the concerned or insensitivity from the unconcerned but the worse is when people accusing you of wallowing in self pity. It hurts more then as in addition to your original cause of grief you are being told either that you are over reacting or that you have no cause of grief!
Does this mean that others have no role to play when we are in pain? No, but they have a far more evolved and subtle role to play than that which they normally do. Be there for me, but be there when and how I need you but not as you deem fit. Be there by letting me know that I am still valuable and matter to you enough that you will stand by me. If you can’t prevent or understand what it is that hits me you will at least take care of the consequences from it. Not only need it, in fact I am one of those people who hate pity from others but when and how much is a call that has to be left to the aggrieved party. Simple presence of a friend during this time most of the time doing maybe nothing can be the biggest support that he could give.
A few people have written on similar themes… Nazrul when he wrote “Tumi shunite cheo na aamar moner kotha” and then Tagore when he writes in one of his poems about the futility of sharing your grief with everyone and waiting for that one person with whom you can. To a certain extent Dream Theater in “Take Away My Pain” speak on similar lines or Lennon in “Nobody Loves you when you’re down and out”
Are their exceptions to this… yes there is… your soul mate… but how many of us are able to find it and lesser still how many of us are able to hold on to them
As in most of my writings in this blog I don’t claim to be right or having the answer. My only interest or desire is to provoke your thoughts and then listen to you.
The point that I am trying to make here is if it is really possible for anyone else however close that person might be to you to comprehend what you are going through. If they are not able to then is there any reason to share it with them?
It’s my personal take on the situation that it is not possible to do so. There isn’t another person who will be able to see everything in its entirety. The primary reason for this is that no one knows our lives completely; none know what incident in our lives have affected us in what way to make us the way we are. Since it is not possible for anyone to have complete knowledge it is not possible to have complete understanding.
A mother knows a child’s grief because she knows more about the child than the child knows about himself and so can comprehend. As we grow older our parents stop knowing everything simply because either we don’t tell them everything or because there is a natural gap that comes about as we grow, have new experiences and primarily think for ourselves. Then come the friends in school, college, work etc. who know what they see and what we tell them which obviously, is never, everything.
This is why grief is an intrinsically internal and lonely thing. It cannot and should not be shared. Efforts a lot of times meet with lack of understanding from the concerned or insensitivity from the unconcerned but the worse is when people accusing you of wallowing in self pity. It hurts more then as in addition to your original cause of grief you are being told either that you are over reacting or that you have no cause of grief!
Does this mean that others have no role to play when we are in pain? No, but they have a far more evolved and subtle role to play than that which they normally do. Be there for me, but be there when and how I need you but not as you deem fit. Be there by letting me know that I am still valuable and matter to you enough that you will stand by me. If you can’t prevent or understand what it is that hits me you will at least take care of the consequences from it. Not only need it, in fact I am one of those people who hate pity from others but when and how much is a call that has to be left to the aggrieved party. Simple presence of a friend during this time most of the time doing maybe nothing can be the biggest support that he could give.
A few people have written on similar themes… Nazrul when he wrote “Tumi shunite cheo na aamar moner kotha” and then Tagore when he writes in one of his poems about the futility of sharing your grief with everyone and waiting for that one person with whom you can. To a certain extent Dream Theater in “Take Away My Pain” speak on similar lines or Lennon in “Nobody Loves you when you’re down and out”
Are their exceptions to this… yes there is… your soul mate… but how many of us are able to find it and lesser still how many of us are able to hold on to them
As in most of my writings in this blog I don’t claim to be right or having the answer. My only interest or desire is to provoke your thoughts and then listen to you.
posted by Abilin Mukherjee at 12:29 PM
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