Is it Really Possible to Share Pain
There are times when we all feel pained, by people primarily, and at a lot of other times by situations created by destiny. In times like this the very common and human reaction is to reach out to others and use their support to tide over this period. A lot of times I have done that and am very sure will also do so in the future.
The point that I am trying to make here is if it is really possible for anyone else however close that person might be to you to comprehend what you are going through. If they are not able to then is there any reason to share it with them?
It’s my personal take on the situation that it is not possible to do so. There isn’t another person who will be able to see everything in its entirety. The primary reason for this is that no one knows our lives completely; none know what incident in our lives have affected us in what way to make us the way we are. Since it is not possible for anyone to have complete knowledge it is not possible to have complete understanding.
A mother knows a child’s grief because she knows more about the child than the child knows about himself and so can comprehend. As we grow older our parents stop knowing everything simply because either we don’t tell them everything or because there is a natural gap that comes about as we grow, have new experiences and primarily think for ourselves. Then come the friends in school, college, work etc. who know what they see and what we tell them which obviously, is never, everything.
This is why grief is an intrinsically internal and lonely thing. It cannot and should not be shared. Efforts a lot of times meet with lack of understanding from the concerned or insensitivity from the unconcerned but the worse is when people accusing you of wallowing in self pity. It hurts more then as in addition to your original cause of grief you are being told either that you are over reacting or that you have no cause of grief!
Does this mean that others have no role to play when we are in pain? No, but they have a far more evolved and subtle role to play than that which they normally do. Be there for me, but be there when and how I need you but not as you deem fit. Be there by letting me know that I am still valuable and matter to you enough that you will stand by me. If you can’t prevent or understand what it is that hits me you will at least take care of the consequences from it. Not only need it, in fact I am one of those people who hate pity from others but when and how much is a call that has to be left to the aggrieved party. Simple presence of a friend during this time most of the time doing maybe nothing can be the biggest support that he could give.
A few people have written on similar themes… Nazrul when he wrote “Tumi shunite cheo na aamar moner kotha” and then Tagore when he writes in one of his poems about the futility of sharing your grief with everyone and waiting for that one person with whom you can. To a certain extent Dream Theater in “Take Away My Pain” speak on similar lines or Lennon in “Nobody Loves you when you’re down and out”
Are their exceptions to this… yes there is… your soul mate… but how many of us are able to find it and lesser still how many of us are able to hold on to them
As in most of my writings in this blog I don’t claim to be right or having the answer. My only interest or desire is to provoke your thoughts and then listen to you.
The point that I am trying to make here is if it is really possible for anyone else however close that person might be to you to comprehend what you are going through. If they are not able to then is there any reason to share it with them?
It’s my personal take on the situation that it is not possible to do so. There isn’t another person who will be able to see everything in its entirety. The primary reason for this is that no one knows our lives completely; none know what incident in our lives have affected us in what way to make us the way we are. Since it is not possible for anyone to have complete knowledge it is not possible to have complete understanding.
A mother knows a child’s grief because she knows more about the child than the child knows about himself and so can comprehend. As we grow older our parents stop knowing everything simply because either we don’t tell them everything or because there is a natural gap that comes about as we grow, have new experiences and primarily think for ourselves. Then come the friends in school, college, work etc. who know what they see and what we tell them which obviously, is never, everything.
This is why grief is an intrinsically internal and lonely thing. It cannot and should not be shared. Efforts a lot of times meet with lack of understanding from the concerned or insensitivity from the unconcerned but the worse is when people accusing you of wallowing in self pity. It hurts more then as in addition to your original cause of grief you are being told either that you are over reacting or that you have no cause of grief!
Does this mean that others have no role to play when we are in pain? No, but they have a far more evolved and subtle role to play than that which they normally do. Be there for me, but be there when and how I need you but not as you deem fit. Be there by letting me know that I am still valuable and matter to you enough that you will stand by me. If you can’t prevent or understand what it is that hits me you will at least take care of the consequences from it. Not only need it, in fact I am one of those people who hate pity from others but when and how much is a call that has to be left to the aggrieved party. Simple presence of a friend during this time most of the time doing maybe nothing can be the biggest support that he could give.
A few people have written on similar themes… Nazrul when he wrote “Tumi shunite cheo na aamar moner kotha” and then Tagore when he writes in one of his poems about the futility of sharing your grief with everyone and waiting for that one person with whom you can. To a certain extent Dream Theater in “Take Away My Pain” speak on similar lines or Lennon in “Nobody Loves you when you’re down and out”
Are their exceptions to this… yes there is… your soul mate… but how many of us are able to find it and lesser still how many of us are able to hold on to them
As in most of my writings in this blog I don’t claim to be right or having the answer. My only interest or desire is to provoke your thoughts and then listen to you.
posted by Abilin Mukherjee at 12:29 PM
5 Comments:
About how difficult it is to share grief, I know. But not sharing with anyone also makes one wallow in "excessive" self-pity that is more damaging than constructive.
So what is the solution?
If you need to feel grief, then feel it completely and respect that emotion called grief. Indulge in self-pity, devote say, 1 hr a day for this activity. And after that, just get out of it for the day. Don't let such thoughts rule the day.
Maybe "Tuesdays with Morrie" would help answer certain questions. But then, believing a book completely is not wise. It is better to experience them, and create your own model - consisting of what appeals to you, what your belief system believes is correct and discard the rest. If needed, being a non-conformist is okie.
And about soulmates possessing the keys to our locks, I again understand. But then, "Is she fiction"? and do soulmates exist?
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"Rahiman Nij Man ki Bitha,Man hi Rakho Goy
Suni Athilaihe log saba,Baant Na Laihe Koy" -This couplet by the Poet Rahim asks us not to share our trobles with anyone because they would laugh at us instead of sharing the pain.
Well i do believe in the idea of venting out any grief aroused thoughts, lest we fall in the spiral loop of self-pity,as rangakrishnan says. But still the wisdom of Rahim in the above couplet has some deeper meaning.And my take on that says that beyond a particular dimension everyone is alone in here.The things we see,the experiences we have, can be verbalized using the tool of communication but the tool is not perfect and hence beyond a point trying to externalize our mental upheavels land us in a chaotic state wherein no one else is in the position of connecting with our grief. Hence it's better to talk to our inner self in those moments and look back at the whole picture after a while.And that perspective would be devoid of emotional turbulences unlike that in the state of anxiety.
You talk about the grief which you feel about and expect your friend/parent/soulmate to help you get out of it. Now what is my point is, let us think from others point of view. Like, what would one expect when he is in grief, from you? What exactly you can offer them? If you could understand percisely what your friend expects from you, then its almost the same with others who might help you. So to my view, the catch point is with whom you share ur worries with and what you expect from them.
my answers have changed. maybe i didnt appreciate what you had written. now, I can understand each and every word.
http://rangaselectrons.blogspot.com/2006/03/lonely-crusader.html
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